I wonder what have I got myself into? Just some bad things always happening to me occasionally. I dont mind ppl saying im suay. But it is coming to a point that I hate it. While to say I hate myself? Been associating SUAY with whatever I do and soon ppl with me will start to associate them too. By what am I supposed to do may I ask? I think god had some special purpose that he wanted to send me down to this world to have ppl dislike me or whatever. I dont know. All I know is that im very very sick of life. Likewise sick and SICK.

Ive been thinking. If all these sickness hadnt come to me. Will I be in such a state now? Where nobody can feel what u are actually feeling. Sad to say that the deepest pain is that when you cant describe it and that nobody understands. What a sorry state im in for the rest of my life. Sometimes I do think about it too. How patients with long-term illness tend to suffer from depression and whole lots other mental illnesses, which I think im going through now. If not why would I cry everytime night comes and when I was so alone, and the pain so terrible with no help at all. What would you do if it was you?

To feel so insecure at home, to not being able to sleep in your own room, to not being able to do those things that u have taken for granted all your life, like sitting, standing, lying and turning your body as any slight movements can cause you pain again??

I know it is hard for ppl who have not went thru this to understand. What about this scenario? Take it as the pain that you get after Napfa test? Those muscles cramps that u experienced just for a few days.. and you know it would go away after it.. but how come after a week, u realize that your muscles are aching so badly, that u still have to take some muscle relax pills and until now, the third week, u are still feeling that sore that u r unaware of?

Have you broken a bone or something? Have you carried any heavy things? Or is it because of your muscles swollen inside your body causing it to press over some of your veins to cause all those weird symptoms that make you so afraid and even doctors say that there is a 0.00001 per cent of cancer? (though a small chance but you are still scared) and to go through this pain, alone.

Well, that is just like me. Though I never really hurt or sprain myself in any incidents, makes it more scary why my body would suddenly malfunction like this. And not make ppl feel as if there is nothing really wrong about it since there was no start to this. When many ppl fail to realize that, the most fearful thing, is that, you yourself dont even know how the pain come about. So how do the ppl want me to tell them the pain, or probably the doctors?

And Ive never been so sick in life, for three weeks already. When I dont even get an answer to what I am suffering from, after seeing a total of 6 doctors, taking a total number of 8 types of pills (muscle relax, strong painkillers, gastric medicine, drugs for the brain and tranquilizers)

With most of them having to visit twice as it wasnt as what they have predicted (to recover), as I was still being in that pain. Most of time I have to be positive in it, but after 3 long weeks, 21 days, how positive can I be when I dont even know whats wrong at all? Who can tell me what can I do? Nobody anymore. The doctors cant even give me a proper answer to this, is it that serious that no doctors can tell me the sickness after so long? And even been to the hospital already?

Somehow Ive been thinking these days, I might as well re-admit to the hospital, with all the care I can get from doctors, with them standing by 24-hrs so that I feel safe and secure and could rest properly? And not worry so much for other things. But reality is, can i? I dont like to be left out, skip lessons just to see the doctors for some appointments really too far, and they are the ones I should have seek so long ago. The orpaedics.

Now im thinking, the problem doesnt even only lie in the bones itself, its about the muscles, and the veins.. last Saturday it spreaded to my neck area and I couldnt even find a correct posture to lie my head, and on Wednesday it spreaded to my hips area causing me to feel the pain even when I walk. How terrible is that? i cant even mention the pain to ppl. And for Monday, I was supposed to go to the polyclinic doctor to get the appointment with the specialist.

It was time, as the previous night, I was at the GP and he said I could arrange with him with the appointment, but it would directly be classified under A class, and not B2 which means you eventually pay $500-$700 for a bone scan when B2 rates are at $100-$200. I knew I cant bear the pain any longer, but I still have to wait. My mum cancelled her trip to china, and loss a few hundreds bucks to it. I feel bad, she feel agitated. Nobody is feeling safe in the house anymore, as any time the pain would come again.

And I hate it more when for tues and wed morning, I have to visit the doctors and eventually having to skip 2 of the lessons. Ive simply no choice at all. And I dislike it cos its as if im being left out with class matter, or with what the teacher had said, or like going for make-up lessons myself when others are being involved in something I might not be fully aware of. If you were me, how will you feel? Ppl move on.. and u are stuck with the pain. And the weather being so cold, my pain got worst. Well, nobody understood.

So what after the appointment to the specialist on the first visit, Ill be sure Ill be frequenting the hospital more and more, probably having an operation? Or having to go physiotherapy? Or seeking a counselor maybe so I can pour out all my feelings? And eventually missing more and more lessons that I cant catch up with??? Or to leave Ngee Ann cos im sure tt I would not be able to carry the stupid laptop adapter with me again?

Im so worried. So worried for myself. Even for the first test already Ive skipped 2. And having to study in pain.. just sitting down makes you very hard to concentrate. Will the teachers know how im coping? Or when I get home and night falls and the pain comes back again as usual and just sometimes I dont get the motivation to work at all? Cos im not feeling like the old self and not even totally used to the poly environment. And when STRESS makes everything worst?
I could only enquire to ppl, cos I never got an answer I want.

I feel angry, frustrated, agitated, or probably a joker before? I cant laugh forever, probably I did that to laugh all the way I want before I get home and face the pain. And past few days, the pain really got worst until I can feel them in school. Sorry for being so agitated then, and for the powerpoint slides, I knew it was my wrong not to do them correctly, but I was unaware of so many things. Hanjin dint mentioned to me that it was not ok. So I felt bad. Thats all.

Nobody cares cos nobody knows what im going through. Tts ok. I just hate to be behind things which im supposed to know. You guys will think and talk about my attitude change I dont care. I just need some understanding. As time flies, I know I can never be the same as last time again. Just blame myself for being so suay again to go thru this kinda pain. This life is so unfair.

Hate to be in pain. Hate to be misunderstood. Hate everything in life.