I am not a child now.
I can take care of myself.
I mustn't let them down now-
Mustn't let them see me cry.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm too tired to listen.
I'm too old to believe:
All these childish stories.
There is no such thing as faith,
And trust,
And pixie dust.
I try,
But it’s so hard to believe.
I try,
but I can't see what you see.
I try.
I try.
I try.
My whole world is changing,
I don't know where to turn.
I can't leave you baby,
But I cant stay and watch the sitting burn;
Watch it burn.
'Cause I try,
But it’s so hard to believe!
I try,
But I can't see where you see.
I try.
I try.
I try and try,
To understand,
The distance in between:
The love I feel,
The things I fear,
I dearly say good dream.
I can finally see it.
Now I have to believe:
All those precious stories.
All the world is made of faith,
And trust,
And pixie dust.
So I'll try,
'Cause I finally believe.
I'll try,
'Cause I see where you see.
I'll try.
I'll try.
I'll try.
I'll try-
To fly.
-I'll try/Jonatha Brooke

sometimes tears just wanna flow all they want. and there aint control to what u can do. sometimes you just think about how much pain you went through. start to realize all the blues. sometimes god is just laughing at you. to prove how vulnerable you can be...

..and yes do i breakdown all these days. sudden to realize i'm lost in my ways. which direction to move on. step on or move back..

life sucks. total disaster for 17 yrs of my life. everything had been so bad. i cant seem to find a way to move on again. it took me so long to got back my confidence, now everything seemed to fall. when u're watching this world with your eyes, to see your loved ones, they get fallen too. yet in the end, no one understands..

.."lost in the crack inbetween. or i'd rather use the word "stuck". come to think of it u guys out there. lemme get the points right for a moment here. when i'm confident of myself and all chitty chatty. u guys insult me for not being myself and for tryin to be someone else. when i'm juz being myself. u guys insult me for the very person that i am. when i'm down and being the pessimistic bullshiter. u guys insult me again. this is somewhat amusing. so where do i stand actually? i may say stupid things all the time. do stupid stuff at times. be irritating and cocky. never seem to be able to say the right thing. be the so-called "childlish" piece of shit that you guys always never seem to get bored of sayin. and when i change for the better and stop all these. u guys say i'm tyrin to be someone else. i feel like... pushed around know? for once and all's worth. go think abt it u guys. put urself in my shoes and imagine bein insulted like u're born a lowlife jackass, being bossed arnd, insulted 24/7 and the whole world's against you. laughin now i suppose? hah. well. it's no laughin matter to ME."

..came across the above entry by ray~ really enjoy reading his blog. don't know why, but somehow i feel as if i could relate to him.. i mean sometimes i don't know what ppl wants. i am born loud, so what? come on do u think i like myself this way also? i've sunk into situations where i just keep blaming myself until a point where i knew it is stupid and unwise to torture one's self.

how about ytd. had a chat with mich. yeah i guess she was right. ppl think that girl's school ppl are sort of "less-matured" than co-ed sch ppl as they ignorantly think tt they've got more of "those experience", according to her. i think i stand in the middle .half half. well i just din't think that she'll end up like today too..

sort of sad for her. girls really suck ya know. bitches. though i'm a female, bad to say i really have enough of them.

well, missed the times when i can be loud with mich. prob too long ago~ hate to say but i sorta miss them.. as days goes by~ miss the times we used to laugh & lame around. not bothering bout our "xing xiang". guess i've been in girls sch for too long. not mentally-adjusted to normal human beings.

damn bloody shit for stats today. i don't know what i'm doing.. i feel like such a loser.. eversince i came into poly. i hate it. i feel as if i'm so shibai. i nvr ever done maths until like that.. dunno how i gotten myself into this kinda situations. i'm exactly like samantha gracie the last time, the one who studies but always fail.. cant imagine we used to laugh at her. and now its happening to me. i hate myself for being so slack, hate it when stress comes and the pain come back again.

oh yes. my mum's $93 poorer because of me yesterday. i feel bad. those idiot blood tests again, this time they took 2 tubes. oh dear. what else do they want?! we went there for an answer! not for a 2hr waiting time when they call themselves "specialist" who give slip-short answers when i enquire what was wrong.

"i think its my bones.. sort of feel they are in wrong positions"
"oh we'll take a blood test first"
"erm can i go to do further check-ups, like to have a bone xray, bone scan.."
"we'll wait for the blood test result, ONE MONTH LATER U COME BACK AGAIN"

ok so what's the problem with them? first i pay so much and this is what i get. they dily-daly, take their own sweet time, slowing down investigations, just to GET OUR MONEY FOR MORE AND MORE CHECK-UPS!!?

i'm in pain..for a month already. and all they can say is WE'LL WAIT FOR THE BLOOD TEST RESULT A MONTH LATER?! ARE U KIDDING?!

very funny..and what else, even at the pharmacy, i have to wait a total of 45 minutes.

and i'm expecting more trips down to the hospital.

everybody's frustrated. i expect an anwser. my mum n my dad wants to know but what did we get in the end? more pain and torture. so far i've already spent about $300 on medical expenses..what else do my sickness want..

i can imagine now, its either there is something wrong in the body according to the blood test, or move on to another topic, the bones. and this time, MORE MONEY.

one month later. which is after the exams.

how am i going to pull through?

simple test like this already made me felt so bad. what am i going to do next..

and when just now yijie they all suggest to go eat sushi..
i suddenly tot about ytd..
tot bout the money i've spent so far, just for this idiot illness..
and more money to buy my nessicities..
and now to spend on a 16+++ meal..

i just felt like crying on the spot when i said "i've no money."
thought about my mum and dad.
thought about my illness.
thought about how ppl cant understand.
thought about the misery i let myself in.

and tears just flowed.

all the way home on the streets.
i look at the street lamps, wondering again.

why is life always so bad for me